i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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