FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
