five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
