She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
