sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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