im about as happy as oj after his trial
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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