i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
