I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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