I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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