hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
