my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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