well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
