Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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