I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
