I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Randomize
