Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
this just has baby written all over it
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
