for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
