We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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