think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
