He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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