Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Randomize
