Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
