I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
