dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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