Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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