just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
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