I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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