it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Randomize
