My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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