It was confusing and full of hummus
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
