True but thats because hes a fetus.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
