and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
My dad is sitting where you rode me
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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