It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
