fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
and you fell through a lawn chair
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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