my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
