I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
How does one acquire holy water?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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