thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Why are your pants in the freezer?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
