you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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