woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
