ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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