Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
you inspire me to be a worse person
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
