so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I faked an abortion last night.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
