I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
