Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
