My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
