You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
there is puke in my bra ... again
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