I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
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