so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
