I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
