If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
