Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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