shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
