The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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